I’ll tell you an important secret to making lasting, deep change. The kind of change required to really shake up your identity and call new experiences into your life that you ACTUALLY want.
You have to separate your self-worth from what it is that you’re doing. You cannot link the two together.
First, you accept that you are 100% loveable and worthy and that you are whole as you are. AND THEN… you set about achieving what you desire (healing, emotional health, weight loss, new relationships).
You’re not healing because it will make you worthy.
You’re not losing weight to make you more worthy.
You’re not getting a new job or starting a business because it will make you worthy. You’re not meditating because it will make you more worthy.
You’re not going to yoga and lifting weights because it will make you more worthy.
You're not working on your communication skills because it will make you more worthy.
You're not getting over your procrastination habit because it will make you more worthy!
I’ll tell you what happens when you get your worthiness all mixed up with your achievements and habits and accomplishments. Here’s what happens… you set out to do the thing and then you fail. Because that’s what happens. FAILING IS A THING. It's a real thing. It’s part of life. We fall, we do things wrong, we mess up. It's part of learning and changing and growing. It just is.
BUT – if you’ve attached your worthiness as a human to what you are DOING – to the new habits and new you that you’re creating then you will not be able to get up when you fall.
Read that again...
Here’s an example of this. Let’s say, for you, that silent meditation and journaling is something that you know makes you feel good and clear and emotionally better prepared for the day. BUT THEN… you get into resistance, you decide not to do it today. IF YOUR SELF WORTH IS ATTACHED TO YOUR JOURNALLING AND MEDITATION PRACTICE, then you will not simply pick up a pen and get to it when you’ve realized that you’ve neglected the practice. No.
If you’ve attached your self worth to it, what you will do is you will feel like there is something WRONG with you because you didn’t do it. And you will start to think that you can NEVER become consistent with something. And you will shame and judge and beat yourself up.
And this is all part of the process of growth – but when you get stuck in that place you are missing the point completely. The thing is – you do the journaling and meditation practice (IF that’s the thing that gets YOUR particular juices flowing) because it makes YOU feel better. And you like the person you are when you do it. That’s it. You don’t do the journaling meditation practice because it makes you somehow more worthy or loveable or perfect. There’s no outside reward system dear. The reward is the work itself, see? The work itself IS in fact the healing, growing, changing and becoming. SEE?
So, it doesn’t matter if you miss a day. Because it has nothing to do with your self worth. And when it has nothing to do with your self worth, you can start to connect to the real reason that you want to do it. How it makes you FEEL when you do it.
I don’t know when we started fetishizing self-care as a marker of our human worth. It’s ridiculous. It’s not a thing. It’s not about a list that you’re checking off. It’s not about a quick fix. I’d like to now, in this moment give you permission to love yourself whether you do the self-care thing OR NOT.
Stop using self-hatred as a tool to push your life forward that’s not how it works. It breaks your spirit down. Step back from the self-blame, self-hatred, and self-judgement. Just take a pause. And ask yourself what makes you feel clearer, what makes you feel good? Is it exercise, is it green vegetables, is it water, is it staying away from certain people? Is it being around certain people? Is it journaling, is it a coffee shop?
Self-care is about CARE. It’s about CARE. CARING for yourself. That’s it. That’s the point. It’s not something to shame and judge yourself for not doing.
And here’s the thing, when you make it about just doing the work. Doing the care. Loving the self. LOVING – CARING. When you make it about THAT…? Then one day missed, is just one day missed. IT doesn’t have to turn into a month long spiral into self-neglect and shame. One day missed can just be one day missed. And then tomorrow you can get back on the horse again. No need to punish and shame and flog yourself darling.
And then, one day missed will turn into a morning missed, and getting back to it in the afternoon. And then you’ll build other habits and healing and emotional health practices on top of that. And then, before you know it, you will be ENJOYING your life. And you will be FEELING BETTER. That’s what we’re doing here. We’re not here in a race to see who can check off their list the fastest. NO NO NO. We are here to love and care for ourselves and connect into our SOULS.
Self-care isn’t some cutesy fetish. It’s the soul’s work. The way we work out all of our shit on paper, or in sweat, or in the coaching session, or however you need to do it for you. It’s FOR YOU darling. It’s FOR YOU.
Okay… that was VERY ranty. I’m ending the rant now. But this is the stuff you need to get within you inside of your spirit. This is the stuff of creating a beautiful life from the INSIDE out. And to do that. You need to just 100% accept that you’re worthy and loveable as you are already. Okay? Just accept it. Even if you don’t. Even if you can’t. You need to accept that right now. Period. End. Done. Nothing you can do to change your level of worthiness and love-ability. You can argue with me but I’m not going to listen. Because I ALREADY KNOW THE TRUTH. You’re loveable and worthy already. Accept it. ACCEPT IT. AND THEN….? Get to work, baby!
If you’re perplexed by this in your mind, but it hit you in your soul, then I’m inviting you to send me a DM to book a consult with me.
On the consult, you can decide if you want me to be your 1-1 coach to help you get emotionally healthy and wade out of all the bullshit that’s swimming around in your head.
I will get you to the TRUTH of your love-ableness and worthiness.