Oh the pressure.
The relentless pressure.
To do it "right", to have a life that looks good, to have a better body, to be a better wife and mother, to be successful, to be nice, to be good to quit the bad habits.
Where does it all come from? Where did this demon arise?
Is it society's fault? Is it our parent's fault?
Well, actually, this pressure is SELF-GENERATED. And... it's something we are choosing.
The relentless pressure we experience is, in fact, traumatic. Of course, we may have learned this as a coping mechanism. As a way to control our lives that felt completely out of control at some point in time. I used pressure to succeed as a way to distract myself from inner-emptiness.
The gaping hole of invalidation, abuse, and neglect.
I still catch myself taking another hit of pressure from time to time. Snorting the adrenaline rush of putting an intense amount of pressure on myself until I crash and burn and in the wreckage realize that I am perpetuating a prison of my own making.
My abusive mother isn't here anymore. And, now it's my OWN choice.
Of course, these days, the pressure relapses don't last as long. A week maybe, at most.
It's a daily practice of letting go.
Yes, of course - the pressure addiction started in childhood. Being homeschooled by a narcissistic, paranoid schizophrenic mother did do some damage to me as a little one.
But now? Now as an adult with a mission to help others heal their lives and move their lives forward in a powerful way. As a woman who feels compelled to share my art and my message with the world after years of stifling it. As a wife who desires precious, pure intimacy in marriage.
Now? Now the truth is that it's my choice to perpetuate the pressure.
It is something that I am choosing, when I choose it.
This is powerful and wonderful. Because it means that if I am the one choosing the pressure, then I can also be the one who chooses to LET IT GO. And it's a practice, it's a decision, it's an awareness. It's a whole body, whole self, whole soul exercise is trusting in my HIGHEST, CORE self.
The part of me who actually holds compassion and love for the part of me who thinks holding onto energetic pressure can somehow protect me from ever experiencing trauma again.
My higher-self, when I see her, simply looks at me with grace and says: "Shyla - just let go." And then my soul takes a breath. And another breath. And releases the old, tired, ridiculous story that somehow if I keep myself rigid and frozen that I will somehow protect myself from any kind of pain.
"Protecting yourself from pain is no longer the goal" - says my core self.
So, when I catch myself getting high on the pressure - a little pressure relapse - I tap into her - my truest, core self who values an open heart over protection from pain.
The reason, the old story, the old traumas, the "Reasons" for the pressure addiction don't matter as much as the truth. I think we can use traumas as a way to indulge.
What matters right now is what I am choosing. Will I choose faith? Faith to let go? To trust in my higher purpose, in the power of healing, in my own ability to expand my life - even if it means uncovering all the old remnants of despair. Or will I succumb to the seduction of my old addiction to pressure - the next hit of adrenaline and the endless cycle of running from myself?
No - I choose to let go. I choose to trust. I choose to continue to separate myself from that energy drain. It's all fear anyway. And, that's no way to live.
And, what about you? Will you keep perpetuating the pressure-story. The protection from pain? the frozen, rigid, pushing for whatever your ego thinks you "NEED"? Or will you let go of it, and allow your highest self to emerge? Above the trauma, above the fear, above the pressure?
I think I know what you want. So choose it with me. Choose to let go of all that pressure. You're enough as you are. Deep down, you know that. Your true self knows that.
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