This week's episode is the beginning of a three part series on Time and Trauma.
This is the first instalment of the series and it's all about the past.
Listen to the episode to hear my unique perspective on healing from the past as it relates to trauma. You've never heard it taught this way before.
Show Transcript Below:
Time and Trauma
Hello - welcome to episode 15 of the podcast i’m so happy to be here with you all. And so happy that you’re listening and benefiting from this work. I want to ask a favour of you - if you like this podcast and you’re enjoying my work - it would mean the world to me if you could leave me a review on iTunes. You can do it right from your phone and it will help other people find this work and allow the reach of this show to reach others who need some help and support. I would greatly appreciate that so thank you so much.
So - today is going to be the first in a series of 3 episodes that I am doing about time and...
Show Transcript Below:
Why I don’t believe in surviving Podcast Episode 13
It is the holiday season and after a couple weeks away from the podcast, I am excited and fired up about today’s episode. It’s going to come out on Christmas day and it’s perfect because I know that Christmas and the New Year are times of deep emotion and deep reflection.
AND I know that a lot of you really struggle with some sadness and some heaviness and some emotional stuff during the holiday season. And this podcast episode is designed to help you with that and to enlighten you and heighten your awareness about how you view your journey in this life and in this world.
So - I want to talk about why I don’t believe in the concept or the idea, or the mindset of surviving the holiday season. I’m seeing a lot of stuff pop up online about the holiday survival guide, And why I think this mindset keeps people stuck in emotional pain, keeps people from feeling...
When I reflect on the years I have spent at war with myself, at war with what is, my heart swells. I look at myself from a higher plane and send compassion down to those pits of hell. I would be lying if I said I don’t experience that war anymore. It’s just that now, after making healing my life’s work, I can see it sooner. I can see that it is a choice. And, I can see that it’s not the choice I want to make for my life. And I can let go - again.
It felt like I carried the wounds of 10,000 women as a child. Generations of abuse. My mother’s harsh words, her gaze, her experiences carried within her, were transferred to me. Because she didn’t want them. And so my heart broke every single day as a child, and as an adolescent, and then as a young adult - because I believed her. I believed that I was nothing. That I was lazy. That I wasn’t good enough. That I was too sensitive. Projections, fears. The off-loading of shame.
When I speak to...
Oh the pressure.
The relentless pressure.
To do it "right", to have a life that looks good, to have a better body, to be a better wife and mother, to be successful, to be nice, to be good to quit the bad habits.
Where does it all come from? Where did this demon arise?
Is it society's fault? Is it our parent's fault?
Well, actually, this pressure is SELF-GENERATED. And... it's something we are choosing.
The relentless pressure we experience is, in fact, traumatic. Of course, we may have learned this as a coping mechanism. As a way to control our lives that felt completely out of control at some point in time. I used pressure to succeed as a way to distract myself from inner-emptiness.
The gaping hole of invalidation, abuse, and neglect.
I still catch myself taking another hit of pressure from time to time. Snorting the adrenaline rush of putting an intense amount of pressure on myself until I crash and burn and in the wreckage realize that I am...
In this episode, I'm explaining and simplifying the concept of traumatic re-enactment and talking about three common forms it shows up in our lives. Obsessing & Trying Really Hard, Self-Loathing & Self-Sabotage, and Fawning and People-Pleasing.
Episode Transcript Below:
What is Trauma Re-enactment?
Trauma re-enactment is the idea that when we have unresolved traumatic energy in our system, we tend to repeat or re-enact the trauma. Freud had a concept similar to this called repetition-compulsion. And many theorists think that this is the system’s subconscious way of seeking resolution and I tend to agree with aspects of that idea.
It is my personal belief that we are here to heal. That we have a responsibility to do the work of reconnecting with self and others and increasing our own regulation and embodiment to bring balance and regulation into the world. And to change the trajectory of future generations - our children, and our world. I...
A Major component of my recovery/healing from Complex PTSD was the experience of grief.
Grieving was an experience that I kept away from myself for many, many years. It felt safer to berate and judge and shame myself:
“I should be over this by now”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“I just need to get over it and move on”
“I don’t have time to cry about my childhood”
I didn’t know a thing about compassion.
About witnessing and holding myself.
About the sacred practice of pouring out the pain.
I didn’t know that what I truly needed was a space to grieve. I didn’t know that the grief experience which I so feared, would actually help my integrate and heal.
I had internalized the shaming messages from years of abandonment, parental betrayal, neglect, and abuse. Shaming myself kept all that pain of deep despair at bay. I preferred the more familiar pain of criticizing myself and pushing myself to keep going. I feared being...
I feel like self-love is part of our collective knowledge now. We understand that it’s important. We understand that we need it.
But, there is difficulty with applying it. And a lot of the self-love talk out there is about the sort-of practical - night time routines, morning routines and making yourself a green tea and meditating. And I think that those things are important and they form a PART of self-love.
But when we are talking about applying self-love, I like to add another layer or component onto it. And that component is ruthlessness.
So today, I’m talking about ruthless self-love.
I think there is an unfortunate misconception that has come up for us in modern culture where we think that uncomfortable feelings are bad. We think that feeling anxious or depressed or confused or overwhelmed means there is something wrong. Or, means that we are wrong.
Specifically, in healing communities and modalities we have reached this place of prioritizing safety which is a good thing. I am not against safety and environments that promote healing. This is really the foundation of the polyvagal theory and other modalities like somatic experiencing that seek to bring a measure of regulation online to the body and brain through creating safe experiences of connection. And these modalities work.
However, there is a fine line here. And, I am noticing a real fear of triggers in the air.
We fear things that bring up reminders of bad feelings or bad memories, or feeling as though we are at the mercy of what other people do and what other people say, and other people’s...
I absolutely love the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship). My husband got me into it - we even got engaged at a UFC Event in Toronto (Max Holloway vs. Anthony Pettis to be exact. for those of you who are fans). When we first started dating, he would have the fights on in the background and I dismissed it for a couple weeks.
But, as I watched these fighters tell their stories of adversity and triumph, and saw their athletic commitment and dedication - I fell in love with the sport - the vulnerability of standing barefoot in the octagon, bleeding and pressing forward. The preparation, the skill, the power, the willingness to lose - the emotional triumph of a win. It hooked me. Some of them had lost children, grew up in poverty, were working full-time jobs and still fighting.
Athletics in general are an amazing metaphor for overcoming adversity and trauma.
They show us that against all odds - we can win. And, if we lose, we can still say we put it all on the line....
Narcissistic Shame Off-Loading
Growing up with a narcissistic parent is a scary, difficult experience. Narcissists suffer from a deep wound of shame. Some say the narcissistic wound is the DEEPEST wound. The shame is so severe that the system creates a construct to protect the individual from collapsing under the weight of this toxic shame. This construct includes ego-protection and delusion, it also includes projection. Projection is the off-loading of a negative affect (emotion) onto another individual.
An example of this is the narcissist who is irresponsible, selfish and unable to connect with their child. This individual cannot attach and be there for the child because their narcissism prevents them from SEEING someone else. The narcissist is dissociated from their own body and self. And thus, is unable to form a connection with their baby. On deep, dissociated levels, the truth is known. However, this truth cannot be negotiated with or faced by the narcissist’s...