I choose to honour myself
Today I did some serious journaling - reflecting. I’ve felt blocked in some areas of my mind and heart and I knew the answer was to go within.
So within I went.
I recognized some areas that I was abandoning myself still. Quitting on myself ever so subtly.
I got honest. I cried. I wrote.
I wrote about how quitting on myself when I was so close to the result was a way for me to re-enact my mothers’ abandonment and neglect.
Her broken promises.
Like a reflection in the rear-view of being 10 again and waiting for two hours for my mom to pick me up outside the school, alone.
I remember the way the trees looked - like a dream. The emptiness I felt. I remember her finally showing up … no call to the school to let them know she’d be late - no idea when she’d show up… finally she’d come and I’d ask why… reaching again - for some acknowledgement… and she’d make some flippant, dismissive comment about how she was shopping or on the phone… I remember looking out the window - feeling dead inside.
And I realized (again) that those childhood years of abuse and neglect and broken promises… they gave me a distorted view of the world.
They taught me I wasn’t worth showing up for.
They taught me promises were always broken. Even the ones I make to myself.
They taught me to want something so fucking bad even though I knew I would never get it.
I’ve overcome a lot of that…
But there is… of course… some residue left. The work is never done after all.
And so today in my journaling - as I worked through some of my newer goals for the year… It all came crashing on the shore of my heart….
To be cleansed…
“If I reach that kind of success, I won’t be able to sustain it”
“I can never follow through on anything”
“I’m lazy and irresponsible”
“I can never follow through on anything”
“I can’t keep my commitments to myself”
“My dreams are not worth honouring”
“Promises to myself are not promises worth keeping”
Of course none of those things are true.
They are just thoughts… a result of the meaning I made about myself as a result of the abuse I suffered.
And so during this excavating session I took stock.
I realized what my mother had done which hurt me so much… was how I was still hurting myself.
I realized the way this pattern still shows up… when I reach for my BIG dreams. My HUGE vision for my life.
My mother broke her promises to me. I break my promises to myself
My mother did not come back for me. I do not come back for myself.
All the old abandonment wounds showing up in the little ways I did not show up for myself.
So I wept… I excavated… I let go… as I have done many times in the past and will many many times more I am sure.
And I chose. Once again.
This healing work… it’s more about choosing than we like to believe… I make a practice of choosing over and over and over...
Today. Again. I chose to leave that part of my identity behind.
To no longer identify as someone who can’t hold space for success.
To no longer believe I am incapable of enjoying the process of RECEIVING what I have worked so hard for.
To no longer believe I can’t do that. That I’m “not one of those people” who can have what they desire.
This is what I chose again… for myself today:
I know what I am capable of, and I choose to honour that.
I choose not to leave myself behind.
I choose to be there for myself.
I choose to give myself what I need.
I choose to pay attention to myself, my deepest dreams and my desires
I choose to follow through for myself.
I choose to be consistent and disciplined toward my goals and dreams
I choose to define who I am for myself.
I no longer need those degrading, demeaning beliefs about myself in order to survive.
I no longer need to believe that I am not worthy of what I long for.
I no longer need to believe that it is not safe to be seen.
I no longer need to leave myself hanging when I’m so damn close.
I no longer need to quit on myself at the last second - right before I’m about to receive the results I’ve worked so hard for.
I am not the abandoned little girl.
I am no longer waiting outside the school yard for a mother who could not be bothered.
I am who I decide that I am.
I am a grown woman.
And I am ready to take that little abandoned girl at the school yard by the hand and show her what a big, huge, amazing life looks like.
I am here for myself.
The past is over, and I am worthy of creating the life I desire.
PS... Over the years... I've done A LOT of work on myself. I've taught myself so much about life and about the world. And I've done that through doing the work just like I wrote about in this post.. and a lot more.
If you'd like to learn how to choose new beliefs about yourself. How to stop trying to change your life with futile actions and start working on your inner landscape to TRULY break the loop. If you'd like to finally SEE your limiting beliefs about yourself as just thoughts that you can truly let go of. If you want to stop allowing the past beliefs that you learned from your dysfunctional family rob you of the future you dream of... book a consultation with me here: https://www.shylacash.com/workwithme
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