I choose to honour myself
Today I did some serious journaling - reflecting. I’ve felt blocked in some areas of my mind and heart and I knew the answer was to go within.
So within I went.
I recognized some areas that I was abandoning myself still. Quitting on myself ever so subtly.
I got honest. I cried. I wrote.
I wrote about how quitting on myself when I was so close to the result was a way for me to re-enact my mothers’ abandonment and neglect.
Her broken promises.
Like a reflection in the rear-view of being 10 again and waiting for two hours for my mom to pick me up outside the school, alone.
I remember the way the trees looked - like a dream. The emptiness I felt. I remember her finally showing up … no call to the school to let them know she’d be late - no idea when she’d show up… finally she’d come and I’d ask why… reaching again - for some acknowledgement… and she’d make some flippant, dismissive comment...
Unhealthy Perfectionism can be a form of self-abandonment and self-neglect.
When we get lost in the work as a way to numb ourselves, distract ourselves, or avoid emotional/relational areas of our lives that need tending to - we are being seduced by unhealthy perfectionism.
As high-performers, we can find comfort in knowing we are productive, successful and amazing at the work we do. But when it becomes a way to escape our own emotional world, perfectionism can be a sign of deep shame. When it begins to affect our performance because we are in internal agony over the quality of the work - whether it is good enough, and when we feel the work is a reflection of who we are at our core (therefore if it is good we are good, and if it is bad we are bad) this is when we begin playing with fire.
I’m not here to hate on perfectionism - I think it can be good/healthy in certain areas. You know, we want a surgeon to be perfectionist, we want artists to some degree to be...
In this episode, I'm talking about toxic shame. What it is, where it comes from, its connection to codependency & poor boundaries, and how to start shining a light on the darkness of shame in your life.
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Rupture and Repair is a concept I first discovered from Dr. Allan Schore's work a few years ago.
It is a framework for understanding resiliency (the ability to come back from difficult situations personally and in relationships with others) and how empathy acts as a foundational component of life and health.
When we understand the concept of rupture and repair - we start to understand trauma and it's deeper impact on life and work. All relationships will have ruptures. The ruptures themselves are not even what causes trauma... it is a rupture without repair which causes trauma.
In dysfunctional families - most or all (depending on the distance of the caregivers) ruptures go un-repaired. This impacts the brain functioning, physical and biological health, and emotional health of the child and causes the child to live in a state of "FRAGMENTATION" - a fancy way of saying that children who live in unsafe childhood homes essentially live separated from themselves and...
"Magic is done from the heart, not the mind..."
A quote from A Discovery of Witches lol. A show my husband and I have been devouring over the past weekend.
But isn't it true?
I'm not against the mind. After all I believe our thoughts create our results.
But I believe the mind must be "COHERENT" - basically fully connected - to the heart. And this is the piece of trauma healing that many miss - or inherently fear.
That everything you FEEL - deep within the regions of the body and self. Everything you ARE is where your magic comes from. Even the "magic" of healing from years of childhood trauma or family dysfunction.
All the keys you have are within you already. Within your beating heart. And all that we do is about coming back to that - isn't it?
The magic of you? Is in your heart.
Your hearts work, your heart's guidance, your heart's truth.
And all of this is about trust. About knowing that no amount of "thinking" all by itself will get you...
I wade in these waters and I dance
Until everything is unraveled
And all is revealed.
And I move and I cry and I scream
And I know for sure
That I am here.
I open my eyes again and again to the sun
After all those years of pain
I see again - my big huge life
That I created from the ashes.
And I teach what I have learned.
A family is more than people who live in the same house.
You can come home to your body.
You are the sun and the moon and the stars.
You mean something.
You have the birthright to exist because you are here
And that is enough.
No one speaks for you.
You speak for your own self - you have the power to do it.
You have the power.
And I go back to my own heart.
To my own well.
And I allow it to run deep and deep and deeper still
And make no apologies
For what emerges from that place.
For what decides to open up.
Instead I be there. I be there. I be there with it.
I am there.
I am here.
I am here.
Written by Yours Truly,
You are not your work. But your work is an extension of you. It is your creation. An outflow of you. It’s what you have produced using a mix of your experience, energy, emotion, intention, sweat. The trauma we experience as kids has an effect on our work. On our performance - on our contribution. Many (not all) who are entrepreneurial, high-performing, high-achieving, athletes have used trauma as a driving force for success - for their personal success - and in many cases they have a drive for creating change in the world in some way.
Artists who make art about important issues that are hard to talk about.
Therapists and coaches who developed their expertise through healing their own pain (myself included).
Entrepreneurs who make a commitment to themselves to drive the world forward in some way - to build something great and leave the world better.
Children who honour their vow to themselves to be better parents than their own and stop the cycle of...
In this video, I'm talking about a concept called "Functional Healing".
Functional Healing is my belief that life doesn't have to stop in order for you to heal and make powerful change. You can build healing into your lifestyle and see improvements in emotional regulation, performance, and behaviour as you go.