Let’s talk enmeshment.
If you know, you know.
When you grow up in a pathological home one of the most painful and terrorizing realizations is the realization that you have been parentified - made into the emotional parent of your home. Taking on responsibility that was never yours. And all the while, without you even noticing your every need went ignored and even punished.
The emotionally immature parent hates to see the reflection of their inability. And so, they will often emotionally punish if you show how their abuse has taken its toll on you.
Instead of seeing YOU and meeting your emotional needs, your parent made you responsible for meeting theirs.
In abusive, pathological homes - the caregivers/parents are emotionally immature. They struggle to see their kiddos as beings in need of selfless love and care. Their kids trigger their own subconscious imprinting of shame, neediness, and trauma. And, being incapable/unwilling of processing that through - they project their pain upon their kids.
This is how the most vile forms of abuse can occur toward children at the hands of parents/caregivers. And it’s HEAVYYYY stuff. These homes are rife with distorted reality, denial, codependency, and pathology.
This is one of the least talked about elements of abusive, neglectful homes and it brings with it a cloud of shame and despair. And then as adults we struggle to set boundaries - we are so used to our very being being invaded, that we lose the energetic boundary between where our unhealthy parent ends and we begin. We feel weak and frail - as if we become puppets in their presence.
I honour that.
But - you know me! I’m not gonna drop that heavy shit on you without giving you some helpful tips to make your way out. Because you are WAYYYYY more powerful than your past, and you are stronger than the dynamics you were groomed to perpetuate from before you were conscious.
So - how do you recover if you grew up in an abusive home like this?
First - recognize your cognitive stories:
“I am abandoning my parents if I don’t meet their every need”
“They need me”
“They can’t control themselves”
“If I was a better child I wouldn’t have been abused/neglected”
“I should check on them”
“It’s my fault that [insert bad thing] happened to them. I could have prevented it”
“I have to protect my parents from bad feelings”
“I have to manage their moods”
Explore these stories - it’s likely you’ve been taking them as Bible truth - when they are simply rationalizations you’ve been groomed to believe.
And then? Get into the raw sensation - the feeling of fragility and weakness in their presence. Where do you notice it? In your core, your tummy, your throat? The feeling of being terrified of their emotional reactions toward you (blame, criticism, exploiting your vulnerabilities). Get curious about the heavy brick of shame “Where is this shame coming from”, “What does this shame feel like - what are the qualities of the feeling?”
Get curious about the feeling of attachment - what would happen if you created space? Imagine it.
You are you darling. And they are they. As difficult as it is to recognize - you are separate from your emotionally immature parents.
Recognizing that separation and grieving the loss of the fantasy is some of the most important work you will do in your healing from a dysfunctional family and also in creating the life you desire.
Breaking unhealthy ties allows us to move forward into joy, pleasure, and abundance. It gives us access to our sense of focus, direction and peace.
You are you. And they are they. And you have a birthright to self actualize and feel what it is like to truly be YOU… free from the painful unhealthy trauma bonds and embodied in your true self.
Continue Forward in Healing,
PS… I know the pain of family dysfunction, and I know what it’s like to heal. I can help you re-code your imprinting and see yourself in a new light. In my 6 month Pain to Power Coaching program, you will learn tools to self-actualize, integrate the pain of the past and find a way of relating to yourself and your past that works for you and helps you feel safe, grounded and powerful. Click here to book a consultation for the program.