I've been diving into the work of receiving in my own life ( you can listen to my podcast episode about receiving here ).
Receiving is HEART WORK. It is an absolutely opening of the heart. And what i've discovered is that often before we can receive on a deeper level - we often must experience release on a deeper level.
Releasing thought patterns and identity blocks that don't serve us. Releasing unworthiness and shame. Releasing fear around stepping up and into the power of who you are. Releasing fear of even just being seen as who you are.
And I find it fascinating that what we are afraid of releasing is often what we say we WANT to release. Like who would say they don't want to receive deeper intimacy, clarity, healing, money, joy and FLOW? We ALL want that. But desire is much different from willingness.
We all have desires. But we don't all RECEIVE what we desire. Because while we may want things SOOOOO bad (which in and of itself can be painful - the...
Power comes through all kinds of vessels
The vessel can crack
It can break right open
Sometimes that’s necessary
Other times the vessel is flexible
It moves with the force - with the energy
Ebbing and flowing
Our job is never to wonder and contemplate how it’s going to come up - our power.
How it’s going to show up for us in our lives.....
Our job is to trust that the power is there.
And it might have to move through some emotional heaviness and fear and shame and uncertainty.
But it’s there. It’s emerging
As you release.
And it will do what it needs to do to come out and to emerge
And 99.999999% of our job is to allow it through
And if you break and crack while your power is coming through, that’s okay.
That’s all part of it.
So if you’ve been struggling to find your voice
To be seen
To live from your heart and embody the queen energy that was meant for you...
If you feel...
Oh the pressure.
The relentless pressure.
To do it "right", to have a life that looks good, to have a better body, to be a better wife and mother, to be successful, to be nice, to be good to quit the bad habits.
Where does it all come from? Where did this demon arise?
Is it society's fault? Is it our parent's fault?
Well, actually, this pressure is SELF-GENERATED. And... it's something we are choosing.
The relentless pressure we experience is, in fact, traumatic. Of course, we may have learned this as a coping mechanism. As a way to control our lives that felt completely out of control at some point in time. I used pressure to succeed as a way to distract myself from inner-emptiness.
The gaping hole of invalidation, abuse, and neglect.
I still catch myself taking another hit of pressure from time to time. Snorting the adrenaline rush of putting an intense amount of pressure on myself until I crash and burn and in the wreckage realize that I am...
Well I suppose now is as good a time as any to have a conversation about high-functioning depression.
High-Functioning depression, is basically pushing a boulder uphill while doing all the life things. Life feels exhausting and hard and draining. And there is a major internal pressure to put on a happy face.
People who experience high-functioning depression have learned to slap a smile on and grind through life. But not the good kind of "boss-babe" business grind that feels empowering and satisfying. More like grinding right through you until you're raw and there's nothing left but bone (figuratively speaking). Lots of self-loathing. Lots of self-shaming. Usually there's some serious people-pleasing thrown into the mix and working REALLY hard to make sure NO ONE knows that there's an empty black void which you fear will never truly be filled within you.
The alarm clock rings... you push past the heavy frozen feeling, slap your make-up on and go FORWARD....
That gnawing feeling that you just can't.
You just can't.
I remember sitting across from my therapist years ago and saying to her:
"I just can't... I can't... I can't do this"
I was referring to everything. weight loss. life itself. It felt so real. The paradox of feeling like you'll die if you keep going but also feeling dead because you can't move forward. And then still pushing yourself anyway.
In that raw moment together - where I revealed to her my truest sense. My truest emotion - or the emotion that FELT truest, I felt like I was in a pool of liquid and the liquid was me.
She didn't say much, all she said was "but you can".
Not sure if it was because no one ever said that to me before, or if it was because I finally let my super-ego guard down and admitted to her, myself, and God how I REALLY felt. Honestly. And truly felt.
But those three words changed me. They changed my life. The realization came over me like a wave and a...
In this episode, I'm explaining and simplifying the concept of traumatic re-enactment and talking about three common forms it shows up in our lives. Obsessing & Trying Really Hard, Self-Loathing & Self-Sabotage, and Fawning and People-Pleasing.
Episode Transcript Below:
What is Trauma Re-enactment?
Trauma re-enactment is the idea that when we have unresolved traumatic energy in our system, we tend to repeat or re-enact the trauma. Freud had a concept similar to this called repetition-compulsion. And many theorists think that this is the system’s subconscious way of seeking resolution and I tend to agree with aspects of that idea.
It is my personal belief that we are here to heal. That we have a responsibility to do the work of reconnecting with self and others and increasing our own regulation and embodiment to bring balance and regulation into the world. And to change the trajectory of future generations - our children, and our world. I...
I feel like self-love is part of our collective knowledge now. We understand that it’s important. We understand that we need it.
But, there is difficulty with applying it. And a lot of the self-love talk out there is about the sort-of practical - night time routines, morning routines and making yourself a green tea and meditating. And I think that those things are important and they form a PART of self-love.
But when we are talking about applying self-love, I like to add another layer or component onto it. And that component is ruthlessness.
So today, I’m talking about ruthless self-love.
I think there is an unfortunate misconception that has come up for us in modern culture where we think that uncomfortable feelings are bad. We think that feeling anxious or depressed or confused or overwhelmed means there is something wrong. Or, means that we are wrong.
Specifically, in healing communities and modalities we have reached this place of prioritizing safety which is a good thing. I am not against safety and environments that promote healing. This is really the foundation of the polyvagal theory and other modalities like somatic experiencing that seek to bring a measure of regulation online to the body and brain through creating safe experiences of connection. And these modalities work.
However, there is a fine line here. And, I am noticing a real fear of triggers in the air.
We fear things that bring up reminders of bad feelings or bad memories, or feeling as though we are at the mercy of what other people do and what other people say, and other people’s...
I absolutely love the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship). My husband got me into it - we even got engaged at a UFC Event in Toronto (Max Holloway vs. Anthony Pettis to be exact. for those of you who are fans). When we first started dating, he would have the fights on in the background and I dismissed it for a couple weeks.
But, as I watched these fighters tell their stories of adversity and triumph, and saw their athletic commitment and dedication - I fell in love with the sport - the vulnerability of standing barefoot in the octagon, bleeding and pressing forward. The preparation, the skill, the power, the willingness to lose - the emotional triumph of a win. It hooked me. Some of them had lost children, grew up in poverty, were working full-time jobs and still fighting.
Athletics in general are an amazing metaphor for overcoming adversity and trauma.
They show us that against all odds - we can win. And, if we lose, we can still say we put it all on the line....
Narcissistic Shame Off-Loading
Growing up with a narcissistic parent is a scary, difficult experience. Narcissists suffer from a deep wound of shame. Some say the narcissistic wound is the DEEPEST wound. The shame is so severe that the system creates a construct to protect the individual from collapsing under the weight of this toxic shame. This construct includes ego-protection and delusion, it also includes projection. Projection is the off-loading of a negative affect (emotion) onto another individual.
An example of this is the narcissist who is irresponsible, selfish and unable to connect with their child. This individual cannot attach and be there for the child because their narcissism prevents them from SEEING someone else. The narcissist is dissociated from their own body and self. And thus, is unable to form a connection with their baby. On deep, dissociated levels, the truth is known. However, this truth cannot be negotiated with or faced by the narcissist’s...