I’m writing a memoir, and in that process I’ve been reflecting on lots of moments in my healing journey. On this episode of the podcast, I’m sharing one of those moments with you. An important time in my life 8 or 9 years ago when I healed the top layers of depression, freeze, and paranoid delusions. It was both a physical and spiritual experience.
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I cried while I was running today. When I first started seriously working out (swimming twice per day), I was on the cusp of some major breakthroughs in my life and I swam twice a day to cope with what I was losing (a codependent relationship, some unhealthy friendships, my own irresponsibility tendencies and emotional leeching). I didn’t know it then, but I was running from myself. It happened to be a rather healthy way to “escape” - or at least it seemed to be for me at the time. This was before I knew what I know now about nervous system healing, emotional scaffolding, titration, and the physiological survival response of trauma. I was doing what I could with what I had. I was trying to hold onto my core - or find my core self. Find my independence after being enmeshed with unhealthy parents and carrying that forward into my life as an adult with friendship and intimate relationship dynamics that mirrored the trauma bonds of my upbringing.
What I started...
Are you scared and intimidated around people you perceive as strong, powerful, smarter, or more accomplished than you?
I have felt this way sooooo many times
In fact it’s an area that I am CONSTANTLY working on within myself.
The little traumatized child in me wants to quiver and shake and fawn because that’s what I did as a little one to survive in my home around a mom who couldn’t handle the threat of someone’s light shining in her presence.
Thankfully after stumbling around in the beginning, I’ve managed to find some footing here.
What most of us do is feel weak and small and contemptuous - and then jealous - and then angry at ourselves and then feel like we shouldn’t feel that way and try and puff our chests to seem like we’re really not that vulnerable. I’ve done that a lot in my life.
And then? We think it’s so disgusting that we could allow ourselves to feel that way AGAIN after a childhood of making ourselves smaller - we...
I always rise
There’s a secret to recovery from anything really - failure, trauma, a breakup, addiction - anything.
And it’s a small little diamond in the rough of all souls that are strong enough to overcome the difficulties/pressures/tragedies of life ( which is really just overcoming our OWN shadows and self-concept and “bullshit” which of course is the result of the conditioning and layering of traumas and inherited imprints and nervous system patterns that have been handed down from the ages through the global family tree. And of course inherent in life itself is tragedy... the existential woes of the struggles we crash up against)
But back to the secret...and that is - the belief that you will always rise.
Because how are you going to get through the detox (literally or metaphorically) of your old identity? How will you have the stamina to move that life of yours forward? To recode your brain, to expand your window of tolerance and your capacity to...
Does acknowledging trauma mean that we are playing a victim?
Is saying that you were traumatized as a child being TOO dramatic?
How can we take personal responsibility for our healing if we are wallowing in victimhood?
In this episode I'm helping you understand that trauma is NOT a dirty word. Everyone experiences trauma in life in some way. I'm helping you understand that acknowledging that you were traumatized does NOT mean you are wallowing. In fact, if we don't acknowledge our trauma, it controls us and makes our lives worse. To move forward, we've got to acknowledge the reality of what happened.
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I think there is an unfortunate misconception that has come up for us in modern culture where we think that uncomfortable feelings are bad. We think that feeling anxious or depressed or confused or overwhelmed means there is something wrong. Or, means that we are wrong.
Specifically, in healing communities and modalities we have reached this place of prioritizing safety which is a good thing. I am not against safety and environments that promote healing. This is really the foundation of the polyvagal theory and other modalities like somatic experiencing that seek to bring a measure of regulation online to the body and brain through creating safe experiences of connection. And these modalities work.
However, there is a fine line here. And, I am noticing a real fear of triggers in the air.
We fear things that bring up reminders of bad feelings or bad memories, or feeling as though we are at the mercy of what other people do and what other people say, and other people’s...