Oftentimes, I feel like a weak little girl.
And then I resist, and defend against the archetype of the small abused girl who just needed a mom.
And in my thrashing against her, she takes hold.
Chokes out my power.
And makes sure that I see. That I remember… she is me.
But she is only part of me.
It is in my resistance to her presence that I find myself at her beck and call on either side of the spectrum (resistant, defensive and rigid OR small and frail and unable to direct the flow of my own life).
The shadows take hold when we refuse to acknowledge their presence.
She is only part of me - she is neither bad nor good. Simply a neutral part of my emotional, physical and spiritual body which demands to be explored and most importantly… integrated. We all carry with us these fragile frail parts. And the first instinct is always to resist.
The stable, powerful adult woman seemingly has no need/time/energy to open the door to the fragile, unprocessed pieces of distant...
What EXACTLY does it take to break through resistance and shame?
The gap between here and there… the great divide… the dark forest… that thick foggy smog that must be traveled through to get to where you wanna go.
How exactly do you get there?
And… before you start moving - how do you deal with the blanket of resistance and shame that keeps you laying low below desire?
One. Day. At. A Time Darling.
You don’t swallow that beast with all its fire whole on day one. It would explode you.
You sit up, swing those legs over the bed. And do today’s work.
And today’s work is the absolute hardest to do isn’t it?
And what do I mean by work? I’m not talking about it in the traditional sense --- although maybe I am --- but what I really mean is the emotional and spiritual work. Going about the business of sorting out the chaos inside. Untangling that big heavy knot one string at a time.
I cried while I was running today. When I first started seriously working out (swimming twice per day), I was on the cusp of some major breakthroughs in my life and I swam twice a day to cope with what I was losing (a codependent relationship, some unhealthy friendships, my own irresponsibility tendencies and emotional leeching). I didn’t know it then, but I was running from myself. It happened to be a rather healthy way to “escape” - or at least it seemed to be for me at the time. This was before I knew what I know now about nervous system healing, emotional scaffolding, titration, and the physiological survival response of trauma. I was doing what I could with what I had. I was trying to hold onto my core - or find my core self. Find my independence after being enmeshed with unhealthy parents and carrying that forward into my life as an adult with friendship and intimate relationship dynamics that mirrored the trauma bonds of my upbringing.
What I started...